Life Update: The Prehistoric Printer

ruth crilly life update

Oh, the shame, the shame: for the first time ever I’m having to postpone my life update and not do it on exactly the right day. (Third of the month.) I’m hoping that the heavens won’t fall in or that we won’t be sent a plague of poisonous frogs, because I’m very superstitious about my life updates going out on time, but the fact that I’m typing this under the title “life update” has to go some way to satisfying the non-existent, completely-in-my-imagination Gods of order and punctuality.

I’m actually shaking with stress, is the truth of it; my habit of taking too much one has reached its peak. What’s more, I have to go out and won’t be back in time to write my life update later and even this little pathetic (probably quite unnecessary) explanation is eating into the time I had reserved for completing six different crucial administrative tasks. As it stands, I’m going to be leaving the house with only my bottom half clothed (lovely visual for you, there) and part of a chewed-up cherry stuck in my hair.

Avid followers will know that I’m launching an app; those in my most immediate social group will also know that I have another new project on the go. Crazy, yes, but, true. And it’s in the paperwork-heavy stage of things, which is sending me almost apoplectic with rage: if I get one more email saying please print, sign, scan and send the following then I’m probably going to have to take a sledgehammer to my laptop.

Do these people not live in the same decade or even dimension as the rest of us? Why do they think that having to print anything is acceptable? It’s so…1993! Which is probably the year that my printer was made, with its ink cartridges that cost about eighty pounds a pop and only print around twelve sheets of A4 before they run out again. And yes I know that you can mark up the PDFs on your computer and sign using your trackpad, but to be quite honest I find that just as tedious and it irks me that my signature looks as though it’s been done by a squirrel on speed, using a whiteboard marker.

Just no.

Send me a docusign. It’s 2019. Also, we’re trying to cut down on pointless paper usage, are we not? What’s more wasteful than a load of forms that nobody ever needs in hard copy anyway?

Ooh, rant over – I must get back to my Prototype Epson before it gets jammed again – if the paper isn’t loaded at 8.23pm on the night of a full moon, using a gloved hand that’s spritzed with jasmine oil, it tends to go on the wonk and then all of the copy is slanted down the page. And that’s the least of its failings.

I’ll be back with the life update proper, though I feel that I’ve given you quite a good insight into my current mental state! Perhaps I’ll leave it at this…

PS: photo is over a year old. I knew I’d need a “looking stressed at my computer” shot one of these days. Hurrah! It was supposed to be for a post on what to do if you have crap internet but I never got around to writing it. Story of my life.

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  1. Trimperley
    August 5, 2019 / 11:32 pm

    You can get an extension lead for a USB printing cable (male to female or any combination you need) for a couple of quid from Amazon.

  2. Trimperley
    August 5, 2019 / 11:28 pm

    What you need is a stonking big Kyrocera (as big as a Wendy House). It will print, fax, produce PDFs in seconds, does the ironing and never jams.

  3. August 4, 2019 / 1:34 pm

    I feel the same way about printing stuff – so unnecessary! Half the time I can’t even get my printer to connect with my laptop, the other half it is out of ink. It would be easier to buy a new one whenever I need to print stuff, at least then it has ink.

    Anne – Linda, Libra, Loca

    • August 5, 2019 / 10:47 am

      Haha!!! Also I have a really short cable that connects stuff to the printer so I have to stand above it holding my laptop for the duration of the session.

  4. Karen
    August 3, 2019 / 11:50 pm

    Here in Hong Kong many places ask you to fax things to them! WTF?!?
    To get an appointment after a referral from a doctor I had to fax the drs letter! Luckily there is an app for that, take a photo of the letter, the app makes it look all crappy and 80s and sends it to the number given!

    • August 5, 2019 / 10:47 am

      Hahahaha!!!!!! I love that. A make it look crappy app .

      • Rae Rae
        August 10, 2019 / 1:09 pm

        The NHS still regularly uses fax machines to pass urgent information and prescriptions. It was commonplace when I worked in a GP practice when I was 16 and I had to relearn how to fax things when I went back as a temp 20 years later!

  5. Susanamantha
    August 3, 2019 / 9:53 pm

    What? You mean we’re NOT in your most immediate social group? Oh. Never mind.

    • August 5, 2019 / 10:47 am

      Hahahaha!!! I’m talking, about three people. Who come to my house. Not even my family know!

  6. August 3, 2019 / 7:35 pm

    I hate that. Especially since there are perfectly good ways to do the whole thing electronically now. It involves a lot of clicking and dire warnings about being who you say you are but at LEAST we aren’t printing, signing, scanning, and then immediately tossing all those poor pages.

  7. Mattie
    August 3, 2019 / 5:18 pm

    Dearest Ruth,

    I’m sending my calmest, happy type thoughts to you from California; hang in there!

    I’ve never commented before, but I’ve been enjoying your marvelous writing and your wonderful videos since Angelica was just a wee thing, and I thought it was about time to send a mite of encouragement your way, after all of the uplifting of my spirits your work has given me. (Woo, sorry for that super long sentence!) The online community you have built with your readers and watchers (sorry, that sounds sort of voyeuristic…) is so positive – well done you! Your willingness to share your feelings and frustrations (and in such a hilarious way) is just one of the many things that draws people to your blog.

    I find myself cursing my electronic equipment on an almost daily basis, so I feel your pain. Printers really do manage to pick the worst time to be cranky, don’t they?!

    Perhaps take a moment to hug Mr. Bear…a cuddle with that darling is bound to make things better!

    • August 5, 2019 / 10:48 am

      Thank you for such a lovely comment! I love it when previously silent people suddenly pop their heads up! : )

  8. Sheila Wade
    August 3, 2019 / 1:33 pm

    PREACH sista…… I am nursing my ole HP. I refuse to purchase another printer until this one completely fins up.

    • August 5, 2019 / 10:49 am

      Hopefully by the time our printers pack up they will be obsolete anyway!

  9. Clare S
    August 3, 2019 / 1:02 pm

    All printers are possessed by some kind of anti printing demon! Also, I believe they malfunction because they never wanted to be printers (perhaps preferring to be a shiny new iPhone or a limited edition set of GHDs) so they act up because of this. Seems amazing that a whole type of electronic device can be so tiresome and unreliable, I have never met a straightforward, easy to use printer….

    • August 5, 2019 / 10:49 am

      NEVER! And it’s silly, because they are fundamentally quite a simple idea..

  10. Sarah
    August 3, 2019 / 11:08 am

    You can also convert your document to pdf and add an electronic signature. Not the same as Docusign or signing using the trackpad. This literally just prints your name and time stamps it. I’m not sure if it’s accepted by all yet, but it works for my purposes. X

  11. Amanda
    August 3, 2019 / 10:05 am

    Completely agree and let’s make life easier. No printers. If no DocuSign or similar service, I still just use my Mac feature to sign unless the documents specifically indicates no electronic signature.

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