Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Banging headache? Greasy skin? A belly fit to burst? Can you still taste white wine in your mouth? That ‘special’ cider that you got in the hamper from Auntie Marge? That Duff beer that your other half was given by a work colleague? (Yes, it does exist outside of The Simpsons – you can buy it on Firebox.com)

Don’t worry, we’re all in the same boat. Calm down, dear, and look at this situation sensibly: you’re not going to die. It may feel like it at this present moment, as you read this on your iPhone with your head hanging off the side of the bed/resting on the loo-seat, but you’ll live. I promise – and I’m an expert at these things. Follow my five-step programme and you’ll be absolutely right as rain!

1) Re-hydrate. This is the most important step in the emergency Boxing Day recovery plan. Get some water down you – nice and cold. If at all possible, add a ‘Resolve’ or an Alka-Seltzer, either of which will help with headache, dodgy tum and that general sense of wanting to stick your head in the Magimix. It’s amazing how something so simple and obvious as drinking water often gets overlooked. A couple of pints of lovely, fresh H20 works absolute wonders!

2) Get some good grub down you. I don’t see anything wrong with a bacon-and-egg butty when you’re feeling crap – who wants wheatgrass shots and muesli when they feel as though half of Animal Farm has done a poo inside their head?! (Ugh. Sorry.) Even better than a bacon sarnie, in my opinion, is pancakes and bacon. With maple syrup. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it! Obviously none of this is going to do your waistline any favours, but you can deal with that issue later on in the day when your head has stopped spinning…

3) Emergency skin overhaul. You need a face mask and you need it quick – but it has to be one that actually does something, not some namby-pamby relaxation potion. Top picks? Alpha-H Liquid Gold Mask – simply AMAZING. More on that next year but, if you have it, use it. Dermalogica Multivitamin Mask (£28 from LookFantastic.com)  – a long-term fave, if you get Glossybox you’ll have a little sample of this lying about somewhere. Use it. Those who are passing the supermarket might be able to find Neutrogena’s Visibly Clear 2-in-1 Mask which I think is a super little deep-cleanser. Leave this tingly clay mask on for a while and you’ll be left with sparkly fresh skin. Don’t really know why they feel the need to put menthol in the formula, but still – it’s a great one for the price! Pick it up with your milk and bread and emergency rations! If you have any bath salts (you can pick up a huge box of dead sea salts from Boots for a few pounds) then tip a whole load into a warm bath and have a good long soak as your mask gets to work. Don’t operate heavy machinery afterwards, though (all of you truck drivers) as the salt bath renders you wobbly and entirely useless.

4) Go for a walk. I am utterly serious – I know at this present moment walking is the last thing on your mind, but at some point today you are going to take a walk. It doesn’t have to be far – if you’re in a terrible state, just try hobbling in your dressing gown to the end of the garden and back (HAHA!) but get out in the fresh, chilly air and you’ll feel miles better. Burning off some of that big roast dinner, getting oxygen into those chocolate-coated lungs..

5) Get back on that festive roll and have a glass of champagne – the holidays aren’t over yet! (OK, just thinking about champagne just made me heave…)

(Legal note: this is obviously all supposed to be taken with a pinch of salt – if you have actual alcohol poisoning then please do pop along to A&E – a bacon sarnie won’t fix you, neither will a face mask.)