Life Update: Sad Slug Gon

It’s a brief update this month, because it all feels a bit disjointed to talk about mundane, everyday events when such momentous things are happening in the wider world.

I don’t know whether anyone really needs to hear about how my three year-old is now “dry at night” but still quite enjoys doing a leisurely poo on the lawn. Or how my nearly-five-year-old told me the story of Peter Pan and said that there was a crocodile who swallowed Captain Hook’s “cock”.

Tick tock.

Or that my daughter built a home for slugs and then cried when the slug ran away. (Ran! Haha. Sprinted. Honestly, the poor slug must have thought he’d entered some kind of nightmarish torture garden with both kids looming over him and dangling bits of cabbage and trying to get him to climb into the toadstool house.)

Or about the little note she wrote me after the slug had left home saying

“Sad slug gon. Angelica.”

Oh, sidenote: I don’t want to be one of those madly annoying parents who humble-brag about their kids, but I thought it was quite good that she’d written a note herself. With incorrect spelling and I noticed that the letter heights were all a bit off but still. I was so taken aback that she had suddenly started writing stuff, with no help, considering the fact that we have done a grand total of TWO HOURS homeschooling in the whole lockdown period. Do small kids just learn…telepathically? Because you have simply willed them to learn something?

Or does it count that you spell things out to them when you read? Because I’ve done that a bit, I think, but honestly not much. Mostly I make up the words in the bedtime story anyway, either to skip the boring bits or to add a bit of spice. (“Postman Pat opened the letter to find that he had inherited a million pounds from a long-lost cousin in Brazil and all he needed to do was hand over his account details and online banking password!”) I’m so confused as to how she’s suddenly had this leap in knowledge when the most she’s allowed me to “teach” her is that a) not all men with beards are called Mr Twit b) pavements in America are called “sidewalks” and c) you can’t go around corners on a wordsearch.

Things I’ve taught my three year-old, who is a completely different kettle of fish to his sister and will not listen to instructions even in the face of certain peril: a) don’t drink water from the end of a hose pipe b) don’t drink water from the dog’s bowl and c) don’t drink water from the shower drain. Oh wait! Forgot one.  d) don’t drink water from the bit of drainpipe that’s been left next to the back door.

You’d think he’d been raised by alleycats! He loves toiletting al fresco, eats with his face in the bowl and loves nothing more than a curl up and a head stroke.

And that’s it for now. Huge world events, tiny home ones, but recorded for posterity nonetheless. Did you know that I’ve now been writing these updates for five years? Every month, without fail. When I’m dead someone can publish them as history’s most bizarre and random autobiography ever written. (You can read all of the life updates here.)

On that note, I’m off – I have the hormonal headache to end all hormonal headaches and so must to bed. As someone in the tudor times would have said. Possibly before doing a dump in a porcelain bowl, throwing it out of the window and then clambering onto a mite-infested mattress. Until next time…

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  1. July 11, 2020 / 3:47 pm

    “Sad slug gon” is so poignant, I don’t have kids and I know it must be it’s own challenge right now but little things like that make me a bit awww. The ability to focus on what is front of them and care so much for these little things is a bit of a lesson I think, sob. Little boys are just hilariously gross. I remember my cousin used to pee in any house plant available at that age, my aunt would just lose it and everyone would be hysterically laughing. :-)

  2. Anja
    June 14, 2020 / 8:12 pm

    What a quaint little post again! It’s really impressive that you have done this for 5 years now. It’s going to be such a great thing to look back to. And your children might really enjoy it later in life!
    On another note (ha ha), Angelica’s note is really impressive!

    • June 16, 2020 / 10:53 am

      Or they might HATE me for it! : )

      • Elesia
        June 29, 2020 / 9:06 pm

        I agree Angelica will love reading all this one day when she asks you ‘What was lockdown like’ in 20years. Wish I had kept a bit of a diary for my 4year old but I might just refer her to your blog

  3. June 13, 2020 / 10:34 am

    My children are obsessed with slugs too, and we have so many of them in our garden. They collect them, build them little homes, feed them. But just like yours they all run away over night – ungrateful.

    Anne from Doctor Anne

    • June 16, 2020 / 10:54 am

      It must be terrifying for the poor sods! : )

  4. Mandy
    June 7, 2020 / 4:03 pm

    Thank you in this crazy world you have reminded me of lifs little joys

    • June 8, 2020 / 3:01 pm

      Ah that’s great to hear, Mandy x

  5. SEVDA
    June 5, 2020 / 10:41 pm

    Excellent. A future writer like her mom.

    Ted can take photos of his crazy exploits like his Dad.

  6. K.
    June 5, 2020 / 7:06 pm

    I’ve always loved your life updates, but I especially appreciate them right now! Littles are absolutely surreal sometimes, aren’t they? They surprise and delight and sometimes horrify and amaze all in the same quarter hour. Thank you for sharing all the wacky, fun, weirdness. You are such a gifted writer! Your blog is always a bright spot in my day.

    • June 5, 2020 / 10:42 pm

      Thank you, that’s really good to hear at the moment. x

    • June 5, 2020 / 10:43 pm

      It’s written, just waiting for someone to pick it up…it’s kind of bizarre. : )

  7. Barbara
    June 4, 2020 / 7:45 pm

    Ruth, please do write a book. Your writing is so visual, funny and intelligent. You are brilliant! Lots of love from Germany

  8. Mum
    June 4, 2020 / 10:58 am

    Oh Ruth an absolutely brilliant bit of writing and so so funny. I have been in stitches and read it out to Grandad but could hardly get the sentences out for laughing!

  9. Lulu
    June 4, 2020 / 10:33 am

    Thank you Ruth – reading your words just now was such a perfect balm for the craziness of the world. I love hearing the Angelica and Ted stories, and I’m super impressed with the writing attempt!

  10. Nicola
    June 4, 2020 / 9:41 am

    Tell me Ruth, have you finished ‘The Mirror and the Light’? I wondered what you thought. I am bereft, such a moving ending.
    People are avoiding me because I keep talking about it!

    • June 4, 2020 / 2:34 pm

      Not yet! I’m sad already though!

  11. l.s.
    June 3, 2020 / 11:53 pm

    Going around corners in a word search is actually brilliant! That tactic has never once crossed my mind…

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