How (Not) To Be Sexy In Bed

How (Not) To Be Sexy In Bed

Do you want to know what I wear to bed these days? I'm going to tell you anyway, so you may as well say yes. Don't worry, it's nothing that's going to make you blush or feel awkward about life if we suddenly bump into each other outside Tottenham Court Road station -...

How Not To Try Contact Lenses

How Not To Try Contact Lenses

I had my first contact lens "lesson" last week and to say it went badly would be a huge understatement. To be quite honest with you, I don't know why any part of me thinks that I'll ever be successful with a procedure that involves precision, dexterity and being OK...

How (Not) To De-Fuzz Your Face

How (Not) To De-Fuzz Your Face

My Mum was horrified when I showed her my newly acquired Finishing Touch Facial Hair Remover. "You can't shave your face!" she cried. "Why can't you just use nail scissors like everyone else?" Pause for effect. Can we please get a show of hands from anyone - anyone at...

How (Not) To Be A Bee

How (Not) To Be A Bee

Did you know that bees in a hive have this thing called swarm mentality, or hive mind, which is this amazing sort of collective thought that happens when you get lots of social insects (ants, bees) together in a colony? I'm no Attenborough, but I've been Googling this...

How (Not) To Blackmail Me

How (Not) To Blackmail Me

Just wondering if anyone can help me out with this email I've just had - I've obviously managed to get myself into a bit of a pickle. Not for the first time, I should add. Every time I sift through my junk mail I'm being blackmailed for one thing or another! "In case...

How (Not) To Catch A Mole

How (Not) To Catch A Mole

There's a mole catcher who's well known around these parts of Somerset and he has the most amazing advert printed on the back of his van. I'd never managed to get a photo of it before, but the other day he happened to be in front of us and so I summoned up all of my...

How (Not) To Shag A Merman

How (Not) To Shag A Merman

Last week I found myself unexpectedly perving over King Triton's torso whilst watching The Little Mermaid II with my kids. Which was something of a surprise, even to myself. A cartoon character - who knew? As he waggled his way into shot, I was taken aback by the...

How (Not) To Post A Table

How (Not) To Post A Table

I was going to order some little vintage side tables last week but the delivery time, from the Netherlands, was estimated at 4-5 weeks. Considering that the tables are already made - they are secondhand - what in heaven's name mode of transport could possible take 4-5...

Bandit Crab: How (Not) To Social Distance

Bandit Crab: How (Not) To Social Distance

After twelve weeks of complete isolation I decided to go to the post office to do some urgent returns. (I actually had to send back some clothes I had ordered and never unboxed. Because who needs clothes in a lockdown? Not I, apparently. Apart from a few special...

Danger Bike: How (Not) To Cycle

Danger Bike: How (Not) To Cycle

My children (three and a bit years old and almost five) have been learning to ride their bikes and it is at once a massively rewarding experience and a very new, very fresh hell. On the one hand, seeing them learn a new skill and become fully-functioning mini-people...

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